Dear Chrissyfur…
Posted by Chris on June 6, 2008 @ 5:28pmDear Chrissyfur,
I work at a mid-sized law firm in Ottawa. I started here about 3 years ago and I’ve been climbing up the ranks pretty steadily since day 1. But, as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. This morning I was asked to terminate our admin assistant. She’s a grandmother of 7 and has been working at the firm for 27 years. She’s 2 months away from retirement and the partners have decided her modest salary is too much overhead for the firm to bear right now. My question is this: when they say “terminate” do you think they mean fire her or kill her? I’m not comfortable with either – any suggestions how I should handle this situation?
-Royce
Dear Royce,
Who the fuck do you work for? Al Pacino ? That is some evil shit. She is 2 months shy of retiring?
Why would they want to fire her? I’m certain the ranks you are referring to climbing are that made of ash and brimstone. My recommendation is this. Rent the 1993 movie “The Firm ” with Tom Cruise. You probably work for these people. With that said, I would say that they are anticipating her head in a bowling bag. They’ll probably want you to bring it to some fancy steak house where they will be discussing “billings” and “forecasts” for the next quarter. This will of course all be code for ritualistic murder. Also…just a hunch, but the fact that you are seeking my opinion on whether to can this poor woman versus actually killing her is indicative of what I sense to be deep and serious issues with you, regardless of the fact that you don’t claim to be comfortable with either. Please advise me of what firm you work for so that I can arrange a building wide exorcism, and then a city wide lynching of all of your associate counsel back into the depths of the hell gate you all came from. I have a sneaking suspicion though that they may want her out because she’s still typing on a word processor. You could bypass this whole misunderstanding, and perhaps even sell your colleagues on not doing either…you know… the murder or making her face unemployment…by slipping her a copy of Word for Dummies , coupled with a ripped copy of Office 97. Finish it off by giving her some major credit for completing a bogus report, and Presto!…you’ll have saved those 7 grandkids a whole world of sad.
Ya go ahead and fire her and then she can sue the firm and get in the news. The firm would enjoy the negative publicity. Firing an employee after 27 years for no apparent reason 2 months away from retirement…very classy indeed.