Dear Chrissyfur…
Posted by Chris on June 6, 2008 @ 8:12amFor those of you who enjoyed my advice column on The Setbacks web site I’ve decided to introduce my own brand of personal advice here on my blog. I encourage all of my readers to submit their questions and I will ensure that I approach my responses with the detail and care that is worthy of The Five O’clock Track Team. Hence, going forward… this part of the blog will be called “Dear Chrissyfur”.
Frank Twix writes:
Chris,
I think I may have just put a packet of silica gel in my coffee thinking it was Nutrasweet. Yup, I definitely did. Now I just called poison control and there’s no answer and when I called again the line was busy. What would you suggest I do?
Hi Frank,
Well. I’d suggest you call your family, and tell them to arrange for a wonderful headstone made out of the finest of granites. Maybe you could request that they put something on there that is representative of the idiot that you seem to be. Maybe they could carve the poison control number that you seem to be dialing. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a bogus question. I’m looking for real life issues here. REAL issues. Ass.
There’s a 2% chance that you’re actually telling the truth. Taking that into consideration, you’re fucked, dude.
Josee writes:
I think my husband slept with another woman last night. I’m pretty sure because my sister just told me she slept with Doug (my husband) last night. Am I right to be upset with her?
Josee,
You have no reason to be upset with her. You also have no reason to be upset with Doug. You need to be upset with yourself. Let’s get real here. These two love each other, and it’s deep and meaningful. Maybe if you stopped thinking of yourself for two seconds, you could understand. Men don’t just sleep with their wives’ sisters unless there was a true connection on some molecular cosmic level. This happens so infrequently, that when it does, we as a people, need to recognize the pure and unfettered magic that it truly is. It’s as if two souls intertwined and became like a piston in an engine block. Well…literally, that is what seems to have happened. Will it be awkward? Yes probably. Family functions will never be the same. Hope and pray that your sister is not a bone marrow match to you. You may find it weird asking her for a favor in light of the history…BUT…that is only if you can’t stop thinking about yourself, and recognizing that Doug and your sis were meant for each other. I mean this. Men don’t just have sex with their wives’ sisters unless there was fairy dust falling around their heads whenever they were within a foot of each other.
Well… I need some clarification. Are you in one of those South Carolinian polygamous cult sects? I’ll assume the answer is no. Your email came from the Government of Canada, so you’re obviously a public servant.
