If you’ve Googled “How To Kill A Maenad” or “How Do You Kill Maryann Forrester from True Blood?” then I have good news for you. You have come to the right place. This is directed to all the True Blood fans in Ottawa who essentially put their Sunday nights on lock between 9-10.

This is the bottom line. You can’t kill a Maenad. Maryann Forrester is immortal, and Sam Merlotte has every reason to run. Here’s some clarification on what she is, who she is, and how she is presented in the books by Charlaine Harris, the author of Living Dead in Dallas, the book series that True Blood is based on.

What is a Maenad?

I’ll summarize it here. Maenads were the handmaidens of Dionysus, the Greek God of excess, alcohol, and sex. They were essentially his groupies. His stark raving mad groupies. Think the Beatles, and all of those frenzied girls in Dodger stadium going bananas. This would be an accurate comparison to the kinds of parties that Dionysus used to throw and how these women would react as soon as they got a whiff of his Axe body spray. Suffice it to say, there was a lot more than music going on at these ancient parties. It was more like a lot of sex, booze, and murder. Ritualistic sacrificial murder. The Romans also referred to Dionysus as Bachhus, the drunken God of wine,  as some of you may know him if you ever studied the Iron Age’s mythology. She can’t be killed or reasoned with. Legend suggests that Dionysus made these handmaidens immortal, like him, as companions, and to collect tributes to him, in the form of sacrifice, and in an effort for his legacy not to be forgotten through time, when the world of man changed. She’s older than everyone in True Blood…Godric, Eric, Jesus, you name it. She’s been around forever. That’s the story of what a Maenad is according to Greek mythology, but there are theories that she is also what early man perceived as the embodiment of evil and lack of control. They even intimate on the show that she has a variety of different names…interesting angle.

She attacked Sookie as a gesture to Eric Northman, as he owns Fangtasia, an establishment that sells alcohol. She seeks followers to gain sacrifice for the God she still worships, and essentially acts as an ambassador for. In the show, Eric doesn’t seem to be able to put his finger on who attacked Sookie when she describes her exchange with the beast in the forest, however, in the books, Eric clearly is not aware of what these creatures are capable of, but had had an encounter with one in 1800’s, in Russia, that saw him and some other vampires forced to stake one of their own who had gone mad after coming into contact with a Maenad. In the books, the vampires concede and pay tribute, realizing they are up against a force more powerful than they could have imagined.

Bon Temps is screwed. However, as for those of you who saw last week’s True Blood, Sookie has some ability to physically thwart Maryann, or at least throw her off. I have no idea what this is, but it’ll be interesting to find out. I’m certain that will play some angle tonight..hopefully. Television, even cable television doesn’t follow the scrip to the ‘T”, because then everything would be too predictable.

Ottawa True Blood, True Blood Ottawa, Can You Kill A Maenad?, Maryann Forrester True Blood, How Do You Kill A Maenad?

I had the pleasure of eating at Luxe Bistro last night, and left with the opinion that this is one of Ottawa’s best restaurants. I’m sure that will piss of some of Ottawa’s more well known foodies who swear by the Gastropub or Beckta (also excellent establishments).  What I really like about the restaurant, besides it’s convenient location, is the French brasserie feel. It’s just a cool spot, and doesn’t come off as pretentious.

Our waiter and sommelier, Neil Gowe, provided friendly and knowledgeable service, and paired a fantastic Argentinian wine with my main course of Steak Frites. The whole table was talking about his selection, as two of us had the Steak Frites. I also had the opportunity to meet with Duane Keats, who is the executive chef there.

If you’re going here, you have to try the fish chowder as an appetizer. One of the best I have ever had. Dinner is pricey, but worth it in my opinion. I know Luxe had a bit of a rocky start, but that seems to have worked itself out as I found this to be worth the money. Has anyone tried Stella Osteria? This is one of the other restaurants that the Firestone Group has in it’s roster besides the Blue Cactus.

Matt Wallace from Ottawa. What’s up homey? Thanks for your support.

Olivia Quesnel from Ottawa threw her support behind the movement. Thank you.

Vince Playboy from Toronto. I have no idea who you are, but thank you for the $5.00 and no, unfortunately, I can’t make it out to the LADEEEZ NIGHT at Slick Night Club tomorrow.

Courtney Johnston sent $10.00. Thank you.

Felix from Aylmer sent $2.00 and an email of what I’m pretty sure are his genitals. Thanks I guess.

Dear friends,

Today was the day that we launched  www.chrisneedsaniphone.com

I need everyone to change their Facebook statuses to “www.chrisneedsaniphone.com”

I need you to tweet “www.chrisneedsaniphone.com”.

I need you to secure a small note to the leg of a pigeon or dove, saying “www.chrisneedsaniphone.com”, and release it into the air, hoping that it finds someone, who will do the first two things.

We’re making progress. We’ve received $30 just this morning. That’s almost 1% of our goal.

Victor Anderson of North Gower, Ontario submitted the image of the iPhone ONLY WITH THE BLACKBERRY Operating System. Funny joke Victor…ugh…I guess. This is actually my personal nightmare.

ANYWAYS.

We’ve raised $130. Thanks to Trevor Kealey of Ottawa for helping us with a $100 USD donation. We’re now at 13% of our goal.

I thought I would point out a couple of things that went wrong with my Blackberry Storm the moment I pulled it out of the box.

1. The battery wasn’t charged. NOT GOOD.

2. Bell asked me to renew for 10 years, initially. I negotiated with them, and strategically worked them down to a three year term.

3. The touchscreen “click” I was supposed to be hearing was initially a farting noise (ringtone). Obviously someone tampered with this box.

4. I downloaded a ringtone that was supposed to be “Boys of Summer” by Don Henley and ended up being “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.This ringtone was supposed to be coupled with my friend Don’s contact whenever he called. I didn’t want the hassle of working this out, so everytime Don calls, I have to remind myself that it’s DON, and not my buddy PHIL. (I’m clenching my fists as I write this).

5. The phone’s desktop picture was someone’s Acura.

Obvious proof of the inferiority of this product. Let’s do this everyone. LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

As for my destruction of the Storm,  I am planning on using Roman Candles. Interested? Hit the chip in button.

Sincerest Best Wishes,
Chris

Hey Everyone,
Chris here. I’m sharing some emails with you, that I literally just received. It’s all about support here.

–

Yo,

If you get an iPhone out of this, you need to start up another campaign for a car. Like an Altima.

Ziad

–

Hi Chris,

Bou Clair doesn’t make donations to charitable organizations unless they are registered as such with the Canada Revenue Agency. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to help you out with this, and it’s no longer neccessary to call.

Best of luck,

Lorraine

–

Hi Chris,

My Storm had been permanently stuck in the web browser for about a month. This thing is total crap.

I brought it back to Bell, and they hooked me up with an Motorola phone, and they rule. Super good phone.

-Adrian

These emails just prove that this is a movement that can only grow. Together, and with focus and discipline, we can get me an iPhone.

We’re getting closer. I’ve received tentative support from a few new Ottawa based partners in my quest to get rid of my Blackberry Storm and hop onto an iPhone. Joey’s Shawarma in Bell’s Corners didn’t hang up on me when I mentioned www.chrisneedsaniphone.com, and neither did the Harvey’s on Baseline Road. This is promising, and I’m feeling pretty good about it. Also, Fabricland on Walkley Road said the manager would call me back. Keeping my fingers crossed!

I’m honored and humbled by those of you who have shown your support here. Together, we can get me an iPhone. I’m counting on you. Sign up for the email list, get the updates, and let’s get me an iPhone.

Blackberry Storm update: I received an email from a man this morning who told me his Storm is always on Speakerphone and only stays in Landscape ALL THE TIME.

Dear readers,

About a month ago, I decided to get a new phone. I’ve been an avid Blackberry user for the last 3 years. I’ve been happy with all of the devices I’ve owned, and the added bonus with the whole thing is the fact that a Canadian company was responsible for these addictive little pieces of technology. Blackberry has built a solid reputation on creating – for the most part – excellent smartphones. Until now.

I gingerly waltzed into the Bell Store at the Billings Bridge mall in Ottawa, and explained that I had been using a Blackberry Curve, but that I had dropped it a few times, and more than anything wanted to check out some new devices. I was also complaining that the phone would drop calls a lot of the time, and when you rely on your phone for business, this can be embarassing and frustrating. Did it occur to me that this could be a result of the network? No, because when I’m in the mood for a gadget, logic seems to vanish quicker than the eyebrows that Whoppi Goldberg apparently used to have.

To provide a bit of balance into all of this, I have to say that Bell’s customer service is so superior to Rogers in every way shape and form, in my opinion. They are helpful and knowledgeable, and I’ve found them to be responsive and courteous. I was with Rogers for my cell phone for 3 years at one one point, and currently give them my at home phone service, my cable, and my internet business. A recent exchange with them was an extreme waste of my time, and I endured them sending me a bill for an amount that was accidentally paid online to a previous account I held (totally my fault). After having addressed the issue and being assured all had been taken care of and corrected, they proceeded to send me a bill for 3 months with the same outstanding total. When I called back, I encountered a sales rep named Christine, who was more like the possessed car from everyone’s favorite John Carpenter – Stephen King film adaptation. If there was a picture next to the word “bitch” in the dictionary, she’d undoubtedly be there. ANYWAY – back to the point…

The Blackberry Storm is NOT a good product. I have a feeling as I write this, that there may be some of you who are reading this who may be going – “no kidding!”. It’s been dissapointing on a number of levels. I’m being polite here, because last week, when this phone wouldn’t adjust back to landscape, I secretly hoped that Jim Balsillie would get attacked by pack of coyotes in a rare occurence of ironic revenge for allowing a hastily prepared and barely tested product to leave the desks of BB’s engineers.

I left for a trip to Vancouver only a few days after having purchased this phone, and within 72 hours, found myself wanting to chuck it into the Pacific. This phone has some potential, but the software on this thing is so crap, that you’ll find yourself clenching your teeth as it lags in an attempt to go from your contacts back to the home screen. Good news though, the game WORD MOLE, which I downloaded from the Blackberry App Store, is really fun. On that note, the Blackberry App Store has more tumbleweeds than most Westerns, not to mention the fact that some of these useless applications go for like $30-40 +++. This all sucks. Interestingly enough, the cell clarity tended to be a bit better in Vancouver than it was in Ottawa.

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten 5 bars on the phone. I get dropped on the network like a bad tenant. It’s most awesome when this happens and and someone is laughing and walking by me talking about a wicked new free app they just got on their iPhone, OR, they’re fully listening to a shuffled selection of their favorite songs. Great.

The click screen is a good idea. If it worked at least 70% of the time on my phone, that would be great idea too. Remember that game “Trouble”? It kind of feels like that. Now imagine if when you popped that fucking set of bubbled dice they had a tendency just to not do anything 30% of the time. I used to play Trouble all the time when I was a kid. Imagine a party with a bunch of pre teens pounding Mountain Dew and eating Doritos, popping that bubble, and virtually every third pop, the dice would sit there like dead mice. You may be able to still hear the “click”, but nothing would happen. That party would turn into a massacre. Yes it would. Parents would be called…pretty sure, because those kids would just beat the hell out of each other in frustration. Hopefully this illustrates the point.

What gives Blackberry? Were you guys in that much of a panic to hurry this thing out that you forgot to design it properly? What makes this worse is that the internet has more negative stuff to say about this product than good things. Also, a software update needs to happen for the thing yesterday, because if I try to answer another phone call, and click the hell out of the window as I see the caller helplessley go to voicemail, I am going to lose my mind. With that said, I am giving up on this thing. However, the $20 a month of a cancellation fee for the recently renewed 3 year term with Bell to get the rebate on the phone is going to be around $720, plus the cost of the new iPhone.

Consider this a social experiment. Donate to the cause, and I am going to buy this iPhone, and then swiftly migrate my entire life to Apple products. We take Paypal, Visa, Mastercard, whatever. Once I’ve raised the sufficient funds required, I will document my ginger waltz into a Rogers store through the video camera on my Blackberry, post to my blog, and then finish this social media pilgrimage of sorts with a final video, also captured on my Blackberry Storm, of me destroying the device in a dramatic fashion. Like really spectacular. Like I’m talking 1,000,000 hits on Youtube spectacular.

As a parting note, your donations would be greatly appreciated, and I’ll make it worth all your collective whiles…

I thought I’d take the opportunity to ACTUALLY examine Father’s Day, and just how many poor men this keeps out of the appreciation circle. I find anything “exclusive” to certain people to be suspect….like Curves.

Father’s Day is a good holiday, however, there are a few recognizable people in our pop culture that it clearly isolates because of their personal situations. Whatever the reason, they’re still DADS, and I’m motivated RIGHT NOW to blow the dust off of this habit we all have of leaving these people out of the opportunity to be celebrated for being the father figures they are, regardless of their personal situations.

Listen. Yes he’s a Sith. Yes, he wiped out a bunch of junior Jedis. Yes, he technically was directly responsible for the death of Mace Windu. Yes, he also telepathically strangled his girl, which inadvertently triggered the birth of his twins….BUT….Annakin Skywalker (a.k.a. Darth Vader) is still a Dad. This is a perfect example of intergalactic baby drama if you ask me. DV, as he’s affectionately called by his friends, is actually a tender, and intended to be involved father. He’s a regular guy like any of us. Pictured above, he was outside after a court appearnace to see if he could get an access schedule that worked for everyone. He’s been working hard to show the family court system that he’s volunteering, he’s learning French, and he’s capable of handling parental duties like cooking meals, and driving Luke and Leah to school in the Sith interceptor. His preparation of a lunch of Pillsbury Pigs-In-A-Blanket with his lightsaber didn’t go over well with the kids’ guardians, and his choice of employer isn’t boding well for our favorite man in black, but geez…he’s trying. When the judge asked him if he intended to switch careers into something a little more suitably appropriate as a role model, he only stammered and said he didn’t have much of a choice, and that the empire facilitated his lifestyle. Maybe not a wise choice in front of a judge….but we should give it up for the man. It IS Father’s Day. What’s a Dad gotta do to have 2 horus alone with his kids. Maybe take them to a museum. Is this too much to ask?

Daniel Hilliard is a good man. Yes he couldn’t hold down a job to save his life, but he obviously went to great lengths to see his children, even if those lengths included dressing up as a woman to be with them, and essentially duping the entire family as he simultaneously earned their precious trust. Yes…it was a doozy when all was said and done and his true identity was revealed, but this man’s admittedly poor series of decisions shouldn’t exclude him from the best day in the world. Think about it, judge. Let the man take his brood to McDonald’s for an afternoon – what do you think? Clear lack of respect for the initial ruling of limited access until he got his shit together? Maybe….but C’MON!?

It was an unfortunate incident with Jack Torrance. He admits it. The fact is, Danny has an amazing ability, and he thinks that maybe if he could just get some time with his son, that they could start a business maybe, get some cash together….maybe clean up his act, and put the whole thing behind them. It’s all about looking to the future right – both literally and figuratively.

These are but just a few examples of perhaps what we should look at as considered exceptions… everyone deserves a fresh start sometimes. Maybe not Torrance…but the point has been made, I think.

Ok…here goes.