Dear Steven Seagal,

Why are you doing this? That’s right. The photo that I’ve included here. It makes no sense. We all want to remember you for doing the things you normally do. Kicking ass and breaking people’s arms over your shoulder. No one is interested in your music, and judging by the way you’re holding that guitar, you have no idea what you’re doing. You’re not Eric Clapton. You’re Casey Ryback from Under Siege. You’re Rico Nico from Out For Justice. You’re practically the same character in every movie, but that’s what we love about you.

Everyone is looking at you and going WTF!? Snap the fuck out of it and kick some heads in, please.

Sincerely,

Chris

Dear Corey Haim,

I’m thrilled that The Two Coreys got renewed for a second season on A&E. I’m letting out a collective PHEWF! of all us fans of License To Drive, and the few episodes of The Edison Twins that you did. I can’t get enough of you and Feldman bickering and trying to make your ying to his yang work somehow. It’s even funnier when you try to get him to go against his own wife. This made for an entire season of television. We’re glad you’re working again, however, you need to lose that beret that you wore in The Lost Boys. You were actually rocking it in real life. It’s not cool. It makes you look like a Guardian Angel.