Chris,

Thanks for the review of Cafe Nostra.  It certainly sounds like a delicious place.  I must ask though, as a man of Italian descent can we expect that you will only be reviewing Italian cuisine?  I am wondering this because my brother and I have recently opened a Subway franchise in the Ottawa area and I think you’d find it just wonderful.  We have lots of booth seating and the wallpaper in the restaurant is of old blueprints from subway trains mixed together with newspaper clippings from a long time ago.  There are countless delicious subway sandwiches available to purchase and we have a stand-up cardboard Jared that greets you when you enter.  I hope you will consider visiting my establishment.  We are very excited to see you soon.

Yours,
Vince Agostino

Dear Vince,

Thanks for your question. No, I won’t be reviewing Italian restaurants only. I’ve got an upcoming review of Swiss Chalet, so, as you can see, Switzerland is my next stop. I have the intention of taking a round the world trip in my restaurant reviews. Kind of like what Tony Bourdain does with “No Reservations“. The aim is to create awareness about the delicious international cuisines from each and every land. Next stop, Boston Pizza, followed by The Outback, and then Montana’s. I’ve had some friends tell me that Montanians know how to do it up. I can just taste the exotic already.

With that said, I am fascinated by this…Subway…of yours. What corner of the world is this from? I find this fascinating. Who is Jared? I’m also tittilated by the prospect of wallpaper with old newspaper clippings. I’ve never seen this before.

Fascinating! Man. I love doing this.

Dear Chrissyfur,

I work at a mid-sized law firm in Ottawa. I started here about 3 years ago and I’ve been climbing up the ranks pretty steadily since day 1. But, as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. This morning I was asked to terminate our admin assistant. She’s a grandmother of 7 and has been working at the firm for 27 years. She’s 2 months away from retirement and the partners have decided her modest salary is too much overhead for the firm to bear right now. My question is this: when they say “terminate” do you think they mean fire her or kill her? I’m not comfortable with either – any suggestions how I should handle this situation?
-Royce

Dear Royce,

Who the fuck do you work for? Al Pacino ? That is some evil shit. She is 2 months shy of retiring?

Why would they want to fire her? I’m certain the ranks you are referring to climbing are that made of ash and brimstone. My recommendation is this. Rent the 1993 movie “The Firm ” with Tom Cruise. You probably work for these people. With that said, I would say that they are anticipating her head in a bowling bag. They’ll probably want you to bring it to some fancy steak house where they will be discussing “billings” and “forecasts” for the next quarter. This will of course all be code for ritualistic murder. Also…just a hunch, but the fact that you are seeking my opinion on whether to can this poor woman versus actually killing her is indicative of what I sense to be deep and serious issues with you, regardless of the fact that you don’t claim to be comfortable with either. Please advise me of what firm you work for so that I can arrange a building wide exorcism, and then a city wide lynching of all of your associate counsel back into the depths of the hell gate you all came from. I have a sneaking suspicion though that they may want her out because she’s still typing on a word processor. You could bypass this whole misunderstanding, and perhaps even sell your colleagues on not doing either…you know… the murder or making her face unemployment…by slipping her a copy of Word for Dummies , coupled with a ripped copy of Office 97. Finish it off by giving her some major credit for completing a bogus report, and Presto!…you’ll have saved those 7 grandkids a whole world of sad.

Frank Twix writes:

Chris,

I think I may have just put a packet of silica gel in my coffee thinking it was Nutrasweet. Yup, I definitely did. Now I just called poison control and there’s no answer and when I called again the line was busy. What would you suggest I do?

Hi Frank,

Well. I’d suggest you call your family, and tell them to arrange for a wonderful headstone made out of the finest of granites. Maybe you could request that they put something on there that is representative of the idiot that you seem to be. Maybe they could carve the poison control number that you seem to be dialing. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a bogus question. I’m looking for real life issues here. REAL issues. Ass.

There’s a 2% chance that you’re actually telling the truth. Taking that into consideration, you’re fucked, dude.

Josee writes:

I think my husband slept with another woman last night. I’m pretty sure because my sister just told me she slept with Doug (my husband) last night. Am I right to be upset with her?

Josee,

You have no reason to be upset with her. You also have no reason to be upset with Doug. You need to be upset with yourself. Let’s get real here. These two love each other, and it’s deep and meaningful. Maybe if you stopped thinking of yourself for two seconds, you could understand. Men don’t just sleep with their wives’ sisters unless there was a true connection on some molecular cosmic level. This happens so infrequently, that when it does, we as a people, need to recognize the pure and unfettered magic that it truly is. It’s as if two souls intertwined and became like a piston in an engine block. Well…literally, that is what seems to have happened. Will it be awkward? Yes probably. Family functions will never be the same. Hope and pray that your sister is not a bone marrow match to you. You may find it weird asking her for a favor in light of the history…BUT…that is only if you can’t stop thinking about yourself, and recognizing that Doug and your sis were meant for each other. I mean this. Men don’t just have sex with their wives’ sisters unless there was fairy dust falling around their heads whenever they were within a foot of each other.

Well… I need some clarification. Are you in one of those South Carolinian polygamous cult sects? I’ll assume the answer is no. Your email came from the Government of Canada, so you’re obviously a public servant.